Memories
by MikhailTheTiger
Summary: My first oneshot. Valka always wondered what her son had done while she had abandoned him and Stoick, yet part of her was always afraid of asking Hiccup, which always made her think "I'll ask him another time" However, all that changes when Valka finds Hiccup's diary and sees all her son's and Berk's suffering which her herself was responsible for... Rated for some bad language


**_Author's note: Hello everyone! This is my very first oneshot! I've had this idea for some time, but never got around to it.  
To the people who were expecting an update to my other story "Sherlock Holmes and The Black Scale", then I'm sorry, but I'll try to get another chapter up by the time Winter Break is over._**

Therefore, please enjoy, review and favorite (if you want to, of course).

* * *

Valka Haddock landed Cloudjumper into the Berk's recently rebuilt dragon stables.

Despite his sheer bulk, the Stormcutter was able to land with the grace and agility of a squirrel. Valka had just finished her weekly check on the Sanctuary. Once a week, she went back there to check on the dragons that remained there. Despite the damage that the gigantic ice cave sustained during the battle with Drago Bludvist, it still was every bit as capable of being a safe haven for thousands of dragons. And every week, she went there to make sure that every single dragon was alright and that there were no signs of the Trappers coming back. She had to check on them at least once a week, she thought. They were like her family.

 _Not like she had ever checked on her_ _real_ _family for twenty years…_

Valka sighed and involuntarily looked to the ground in shame. She didn't look to Cloudjumper as he cooed with concern.  
She didn't want to face him.

She didn't want to face _anyone,_ now that she thought about it...

"I'm… I'm fine, Cloudjumper. I'm just… tired." She said, turning away from her dragon. That lie couldn't have fooled anyone, let alone an intelligent dragon who had lived with her for twenty years. He growled softly again, this time a bit more harshly.  
Why was she upset?

She was back in her village after twenty years, Drago had been defeated, she had been reunited with her son, she was now in a village full of men and women who were living in peace with dragons, she still went back to the Sanctuary once a week to stay with her beloved dragons (a day which Cloudjumper also loved), and most importantly, she was back where she belonged. There was no reason in Cloudjumper's mind why his rider should be upset.

"Try to get some sleep, Cloud. It's just… everything that happened since the battle… We'll talk next morning." She said as she rushed out of the stables.

Cloudjumper noted that his rider had called him "Cloud", something that she only very rarely did, she wanted to get away quickly so badly that she had cut his own name short. The forty foot dragon thought for a minute to jump in front of his rider to prevent her from escaping and persuade her to confide in to him exactly what was bothering her, but that would have woken up the entire stable, and he didn't want that, since Toothless, the new Alpha who rightfully won that title after challenging Drago's malefic Bewilderbeast, still had trouble in settling into his new position, and getting all the dragons back to sleep would take him time, especially since Toothless was very much against using direct possession to control his underlings, since he himself had been possessed once and forced to kill his best friend's father, and he swore to never use that vile power unless the fate of the village hung in the balance, and putting a few dragons back to sleep was hardly that case.

Before Cloudjumper had time to think of another plan, his rider was already outside, on her way to her house.

Valka was grateful that it was nearly midnight, so that she didn't have to see anyone on her way to the house. She didn't want to face _anyone._ She walked slowly, wanting to be lost in her own thoughts for as long as possible.

 _A mother never forgets…_

Did she really have the nerve to say that? She _did_ forget!  
She had _abandoned_ her own family. She chose the dragons over her own family… She was so sure that Berk was simply incapable of peace.  
Yet… Hiccup had managed to do it. He was able to change everyone's mind. What if she had only _tried_ to make peace? She had thought about it, countless times while she was in the Sanctuary, to just come back on Berk atop Cloudjumper and show everyone the truth.  
The truth that would set them free from this wretched war and would bring them all into a new era of peace. But she always decided against it.

What if Berk wouldn't believe her, even with the proof before their very eyes?

What if she and her beloved dragon would have been shot out of the sky and killed before she could say a word?

What if Stoick would think that she was a traitor to her own species and had both her and Cloudjumper executed in front of the whole village? Then, she would be remembered as a traitor by not only Berk, but also Stoick, and worse still, by her only son…. Her son had thought up until that point that she had died a heroic death to save him from the clutches of an evil four winged dragon, and after that, he would only think of his mother as the traitor who befriended bloodthirsty beasts if the plan failed, and worse still, he would have to bear that shame for all his life, and all the future generations of Haddocks to come...

What if even if Stoick accepts dragons, he would be angry with her for abandoning him?

What if Stoick had found another woman?

What if Drago would attack the Sanctuary while she was gone?

What if… There were so many "what-ifs" which always made her think "another time. I will return to Berk another time."  
Only that "another time" never came, simply because she was too much of a coward to show everyone the truth, and instead, hid like a child with… _dragons_ while her son was struggling to grow up without a mother…

Valka choked a sob as she walked and thought about all of this. She looked around to make sure that absolutely no one saw her. She didn't want anyone knowing what she was going through.  
She didn't _deserve_ to have _anyone_ worry about her. While she was in the Sanctuary, she thought about what would happen if trying to make peace between Berk and the dragons failed.  
Now she thought about what would have happened if it had _worked._ She thought about what would have happened if as soon as she learned how to fly Cloudjumper, she'd have returned to Berk, and everyone listened to her.  
Fifteen more years of slaughter would have been prevented, hundreds of lives, from both Vikings and dragons would have been spared. She told Hiccup that she had stayed with the great Alpha in order to protect dragons and protect _him_? When in reality, she'd have done both a lot better if she had just had the courage to return.  
She failed in protecting both Hiccup and the dragons she had come to care about so much.

"You hypocritical piece of filth…" She mumbled bitterly against herself as she struggled in vain to keep the tears from flowing, feeling the need to slam her head against a wall, more to punish herself than anything else.  
She spotted a bench near the plaza. She decided it would be best to sit down for a few moments, even if she was only a few hundred yards from her house. The moment she sat down, her eyes met the foundation of the statue that Hiccup had started building.

 _Stoick's statue…_

Valka choked another sob as she looked at the slab of stone. She was thankful that Hiccup had finished the plans only a few days ago and that the only thing that had actually been built was the foundation, for, if she really _had_ seen Stoick's figure, she'd have most likely broken down crying, right there in the plaza. She remembered when she saw Stoick for the first time in twenty years…  
She remembered the way he looked at her… He simply couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that he was looking at his wife twenty years after she was taken by dragons.  
Valka remembered that when she saw Stoick she felt even guiltier than she felt when she saw Hiccup . The way he slowly approached her, not once changing his glance or his pace.  
His face was… well it lived up to his namesake.  
Completely and utterly unreadable. Stoic.

Hiccup had been so good to her those few hours he'd been with her. She didn't think much about the way she left him, mainly because she was just too happy to be reunited with her son, and Hiccup was no different. Even though she felt guilty for leaving him, when she brought it up to him, he just brushed her off. But now with Stoick… She left him.

She left him to mourn and grieve. She left him to raise their only son on his own. The moment she saw him, she imagined the way he grieved at their anniversary every year, the way his world was crushed when he saw Cloudjumper carry her away, the way he told Hiccup that she died for him, when in fact, she _abandoned them_ …

If Stoick had hit her or at least started yelling at her for abandoning him, it would have been somewhat of a relief, she'd gotten what she deserved. Stoick and Hiccup's complete and unconditional forgiveness was somehow more guilt inducing than any angry response they could have possibly had.  
And after sharing _the song_ with Stoick one more time, and after seeing both him and Hiccup in the same place… a family. She was going to have a family again, even though she didn't deserve it. And she didn't.

She always felt that Stoick's death was her punishment. It was as if fate said: " _See him? You love him, don't you? Because you acted as if he didn't exist for twenty years. You think you can just have him back after everything you've done? He_ _could have died while you were away and you wouldn't have known. Now he did, and you deserve it."_

Valka let a sob escape her throat and watched as her tears stained the cobbles beneath the bench. She got up quickly, she knew that she wouldn't stop crying anytime soon if she started to do so sitting down. She went back on the path to the Chief's house. The Chief, who was now her son…  
She still hardly knew anything about her son. First and foremost, how he lost his leg. Every time she asked Astrid, Hiccup's fiancé, or any of the other villagers, they said that it was a story for Hiccup to say.

But she never mustered up the courage to ask him about it. So many other things… How exactly did he and Toothless bring peace or what his other accomplishments were those twenty years while she was away.

Sometimes she almost wished Hiccup would just lash out at her and tell her how much he suffered because of her departure, what a sorry excuse for a mother she was, and tell her that she doesn't love him, because if she did, she'd have returned first thing after she learned how to fly dragons.  
Sure, Valka would have been completely heartbroken, but at least then she'd get what she deserved.

Every time Hiccup called her "mom", that small word, which he said almost involuntarily, gave Valka a hurricane of emotions.  
On the one hand, her heart warmed every time he said. She never thought she'd have heard her little boy say that. No, he wasn't a "boy" anymore, he was a young man, who was Chief of Berk and did more for dragons and humans alike than she ever did.  
On the other hand, she felt guilt stabbing her to the core every time she heard that tiny word. She didn't deserve to be called "mom". She hadn't raised him, she hadn't spent time with him, she hadn't even known that he was alive or let him know that she was alive…

Before she knew it, she was in front of the Chief's house, which was larger and more imposing, as it had to be rebuilt after the battle with Drago, and thanks to Hiccup's drafts and ingenious architectural designs and blacksmithing techniques, the Chief's house looked better than ever.  
In fact, all of Berk looked better than ever now that Hiccup was Chief.

The Bewilderbeast's jagged ice spikes and all of the destruction seemed to be just distant memories despite that only about a couple of months had passed. She took out her keys and tried to insert them in the door, but she found that her vision was blurry with tears.  
She angrily wiped them away and opened the door. She wondered if Hiccup was home.  
No, he wasn't. She recalled that Hiccup had mentioned a week ago that he had to come up with designs for larger dragon stables as more and more dragons flew from the ruined Sanctuary to come to Berk, so he always came back at midnight at the earliest.

She didn't want to fall asleep, not that she could in her state, she wanted to wait for Hiccup and at least tell him goodnight. She decided to maybe tidy his room. As brilliant as Hiccup was, he could be amazingly disorganised.  
She smiled as she thought that she was fussing over her twenty year old son like he was a toddler with things like this.  
And she sighed and nearly broke down crying when she remembered that she never _did_ get to experience the joys of motherhood over a child or a teen, and she never would, and it was all her fault…

As she opened the door to Hiccup's loft she was surprised to see it in a relatively tidy condition.

Everything about this room said something about Hiccup's personality: Drawings of dragons, particularly Toothless and breath-taking scenery hung up on a wall, proof of his artistic personality which he inherited from her.  
The map of the Archipelago which was almost complete, covering another wall almost completely.

A rack of weapons, his finest works, near the desk. They were works of art. An axe with carvings of dragons on it, the metal gleaming in the candlelight almost as if it were silver, sharp enough that it could have cut paper without even swinging it, yet light enough that it could have probably been used by a child. A bow, with jagged ends, making it seem like the entry to the Bewilderbeast's ice Sanctuary, the string of the bow being soft enough to stretch easily, yet it still made an arrow fly for more than the eye could see and could sink eight inches into wood and actually leave a dent in iron armour from long range.  
And a longsword that could have probably cut through stone.

However, the two most impressive pieces of hardware which Hiccup invented were the ones which he also wore. His flight-suit which allowed him to glide like a dragon as long as he could float and Toothless could catch him, which also doubled as armour. Despite only being made out of hardened leather with only a few pads of metal placed around strategic places beneath the leather, it was tough enough to withstand blows from greatswords or even arrows fired from crossbows.  
And his retractable sword, which he dubbed "Inferno" thanks to the fact that it was coated with Monstrous Nightmare saliva, making it burn with an amazing effect, was an ideal dragon-training tool.  
This was also thanks to Hiccup's merciful nature: if he struck a foe, the fire would cauterize the wound, which ensured that his opponents didn't bleed to death, but also made the pain too much for them to continue the fight.  
And as if that wasn't impressive enough, the other end ejected Zippleback gas, which with one spark, created either an explosion or simply caught fire, depending on how much gas there was.

The best part was that it was retractable, making it concealable and extremely compact, and so light that it could be handled just as easily as a dagger, yet strong enough that it could have deflected a sledgehammer blow from the strongest of Vikings.  
Valka smiled as she thought about all of her son's achievements, and how he took after her in every way, but better. As she analysed the room, her eyes fell on the desk.  
Despite the fact that the rest of the room was immaculate (for once), the desk was chockfull of papers, designs for buildings, books, drawings and other miscellaneous items.  
Valka sighed and began arranging the papers in small stacks, making sure not to mix them up. But then, as she arranged the books, one of them caught her eye.

It was thick and made out of leather, and she could tell by the strings that were used to tie the pages that it was a book made by someone out of raw materials, rather than made by someone who actually knew how to tie a book, but it still looked beautiful.  
She opened the book at one of the last pages and was surprised to find it empty.

However, upon flipping back about a hundred pages, she found them to be in Hiccup's handwriting with occasional drawings to represent a certain situation. Valka slammed the book shut as soon as realization hit her: this was Hiccup's diary. His darkest and innermost thoughts were there.

Everything that he's been though while she abandoned him was there.

"I really shouldn't…" she muttered to no one in particular.

But… that way she could find out about everything that happened to him while she was away without having to ask him. She could find out more about her son.  
Yet, part of her was afraid of what she would find there. She was afraid of facing every single time that Hiccup had suffered and she wasn't by him, instead being thousands of miles away, playing with dragons without a care in the world.

" _You didn't have the courage to stand up and show everyone what dragons truly are. At least have the courage to find out what your son did all his life._ " A voice in her head said.

Taking a deep breath she looked outside the room to make sure that Hiccup really wasn't home. Then, she closed the door behind her and locked it with the key that was already inside the door: if Hiccup came in earlier than she thought, she would have quickly closed the diary and put in on the desk then opened the door and told him that she simply locked the door out of instinct.  
She pulled the chair away from the desk and placed Hiccup's diary on her knees. She opened the book to an earlier page. It was dated eight years ago, when Hiccup was twelve.  
She noticed just how smart and legible all the letters looked. Her son had the writing of a wise middle-aged man at merely twelve years of age.

She took one last deep breath in and began to read: _**"Dear diary. Today was my twelfth birthday.  
My birthday is my favourite day of the year simply because I can wake up with something to look forward to.  
And it's one of the few days in which my father actually smiles at me and says that he's proud of me.  
As usual, only Gobber came at the party, but that's alright, I didn't even send invitations to the rest, except for Astrid and Fishlegs, but they didn't show up, not that it surprised me.  
Astrid stopped talking to me years ago when it became clear that I was a runt and while Fishlegs sometimes talks to me, he can't show everyone that he's my friend, then he'd be just as bullied by Snotlout and the twins as I am.  
Gobber gifted me a sword, made specially for me. It was beautiful. It truly was more beautiful than anything I had ever crafted. However, even though it was so short and slim that it could have probably passed off as a dagger, I could barely hold it.  
Dad had to take it out of my hands before I could hurt myself.  
Great, even on my birthday I have to feel the shame that I am the Chief's son, and yet I can't even hold a sword. I didn't look at my father as I was afraid of seeing that look of deep disappointment. I didn't want to see that, at least on my birthday."**_

Valka read the entry with increasingly panted and sobby breath.  
Her son had said that his birthday was the only day on which he had something to look forward to, that he was bullied by his own cousin because he was a runt…

Hiccup had been born two months premature, he almost died, he was the tiniest baby Valka had ever seen. In Viking society, size and sheer bulk and physical strength was, quite literally, worth its weight in gold.  
She should have realized that Hiccup would never be accepted by his peers. Even now, when he was the tallest of his age group and nearly as tall as any Viking (Hiccup surpassing Gobber's height by a good four inches), he was far from bulky.

Sure, he was now every bit as strong as anyone else from his age group and his lean build meant that he was more agile than the rest, peg leg and all, but that couldn't have always been the case.  
How could she have been so blind? Why hadn't she realized that when she left her tiny, prematurely born son to live with _dragons_?

It took all of her self-control not to break down right there and then. She closed the diary, afraid of finding out anything else. Heck, this entry was from a day which Hiccup had dubbed "happy" and yet it expressed so much sorrow…

But… she needed to find out more about Hiccup's life. Now, she was more afraid than ever to ask Hiccup first-hand how his life while she left was like. She had to find out from this book. With another deep, shaky breath, Valka took the book again with unsure fingers. She now decided to look at an earlier entry. Perhaps his early childhood held some happier memories.

Valka realized from the date written on that entry that Hiccup was eight years old when he wrote this. A boy this young to record his memories in this manner was more than impressive. Hiccup truly was a child genius. While the writing wasn't as legible as it was from the previous entry she read, it looked like the writing of a grown man. She began to read, hoping against hope that this entry wouldn't crush her like the last one did.

 _ **"Dear diary. Today, my father told me with a sorrowful look in his eye that I was old enough to know something important. He took me to my room and showed me the wall**_. _**At first I wasn't sure what he wanted. He then told me that this is where my mother died.  
At first I thought that he meant that my mother had died a peaceful, natural death, inside the house, maybe because of a disease.**_

 _ **But then he said that she died during a dragon attack.**_  
 _ **Honestly, I wasn't that surprised. Dragons are beasts who kill without mercy. Still, somehow finding out that my mother was killed by one of them made knowing it all the harder. Even though more than half of the Berkians die because of dragons, knowing that my mother was one of them was just…**_  
 _ **But then, my father said that she didn't actually die here.**_

 _ **She was taken away by a rare, gigantic four-winged dragon called the Stormcutter. Then, he finally told me why she was taken away. The Stormcutter had broken into our home, and had spotted me in the cradle, I wasn't even one year old.**_  
 _ **He said that just as he was about to eat me, my mother jumped in front of me and the bloodthirsty beast, seeing her as bigger, more filling prey, took her in his wretched claws and carried her to whatever Thor-damned nest that creature resided at.**_

 _ **She let herself become dragon food. For me.**_

 _ **I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away before my father could stop me and locked myself in my room and broke down almost instantly. I didn't even know my mother, yet I miss her. I miss her so much…**_

 _ **And she died because of me! I'd do anything to bring her back...**_

 _ **Then, after crying myself to sleep, I had a dream. It was the happiest dream I had ever had.**_  
 _ **My mother was in it… She was so beautiful…**_  
 _ **My father had described her to me many times, but she was simply the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.**_

 _ **I didn't know why, but I was crying in the dream and I felt so tiny and helpless. Well… more so than usual, that is...**_

 _ **Just then, she approached and she… she took me in her arms. I had never felt safer in my life. I couldn't make out most of what she said, but I did understand one thing she did say: "Don't worry, my son. I will always be with you, I will never leave you as long as I live. You will always have me, your mother, to guide you in life, someone to speak to, someone to laugh with, someone who will be your other half, even if the world collapses."**_

 _ **Her voice was the most soothing thing I had ever heard. However, then, the dream ended. No, it wasn't just "a dream". It was a memory, it had to be, because dreams just aren't this… real. I ran my mother's promise in my head once again, how she told me that she'd always be my companion… and I will never have any of that! I began crying in the bed once again.**_  
 _ **It's not fair! Why-"**_

Valka couldn't read anymore.

She slammed the book shut and let it simply drop on the floor. She looked downwards at the book and simply watched as her tears stained the red cover.

She now remembered giving Hiccup that promise when he started crying when he was only a few months old… How she promised that she'd always be with her child, that she'd never leave him no matter what, that her child would always enjoy her presence, her motherly love, something that _every worthy mother in the world should do in the first place…_

She had left him. She left him mourn and grieve, she saw that this particular entry had stains all over and the usually immaculate writing was shaky, suggesting that he had cried while writing it. And what was she doing while Hiccup was mourning her and worst of all, blaming himself?

She was off with _dragons_ , probably having the time of her life flying with them while her frail son was crying that his mother was dead… Before she knew it, Valka collapsed to the floor and started to violently sob, mostly from disgust with herself.  
Sheer, sheer disgust against her own person. How could she have done this? Her son… her husband…

"You… you bitch…" she moaned to herself, as she curled up more within herself on the floor. Somehow, her own words cut her heart even further, because it was the truth, uncut, and even she knew it. She felt the need to slam her head against the walls, to claw her own eyes out, to hurt herself in the most extreme ways possible. But she didn't.  
She was powerless to do anything, except continuing to sob uncontrollably on the floor of her son's room...

* * *

It was nearly midnight when Hiccup finally put out the candles at the forge and set off for the Chief's house.

It was another cold day on Berk, and Hiccup was grateful that he had his long fur coat with him. The coat was the same design as that of his father, except of course that it was a lot smaller. Hiccup was slowly starting to settle into the role of chief.  
After managing to completely rebuild Berk and actually improving it, he was starting to feel much more confident than he first had, especially after even the villagers told him that his father had never managed to make the village recover from a crisis this quickly.  
He decided to stop at the dragon stables on the way. Checking on Toothless always made him feel more secure for the night.

When he arrived at the stables, Toothless was sleeping on his pedestal, a sort of throne that Hiccup had made specially for his beloved Night Fury and now Alpha. Hiccup smiled as he looked at his best friend. He decided not to wake him up now, because he was sleeping soundly, something that was rare.  
Ever since he was forced to kill Stoick the Vast, Toothless had been plagued by nightmares in which he was forced to see different scenarios in which he killed Astrid, Stormfly, Hiccup… but thankfully, his rider was always with him to remind him that it wasn't his fault, and that he is a worthy Alpha.

Then, Hiccup saw a dragon that wasn't there previously: Cloudjumper. Hiccup's heart skipped a beat and he smiled widely as he realized that his mother was back from checking on the dragons in the Sanctuary.  
But that's not all that he noticed: Cloudjumper wasn't asleep. Hiccup knew his mother's dragon well and it was unlike him to miss sleep unless he was worried about something: most of the time about Valka.

"Cloud? What's the matter, why aren't you asleep?" asked Hiccup in hushed whispers so as not to wake up the other dragons as he approached the forty foot Stormcutter. Cloudjumper stretched his neck as soon as he saw the young Chief, asking for attention, to which Hiccup responded by rubbing it. Cloudjumper then cooed something which resembled concern and gestured his head to the direction of the Chief's house.  
Hiccup realized that the dragon was worried about his mother. It was very often that his mother mourned his father and often cried herself to sleep. Last time it had happened, Hiccup broke down himself as he remembered his father's death, and they both cried themselves to sleep that night, holding each other tightly as if they were afraid that the other would disappear… Hiccup shook his head to stop the memory of that night coming back to him.

Without another word, Hiccup rushed to his house, ignoring the pain that the cold caused to his amputated foot. As soon as Hiccup opened the large door, he heard his mother sobbing hysterically. He sighed and looked downwards as he tried to think of way to make Valka calm down without bursting into tears himself.  
But then he realized something: first of all, the crying wasn't coming from Valka's room, but from his own. What was she doing over there? Second, the crying was more hysterical than it had ever been. It almost sounded as if she was begging for her life…

"MOM!" he screamed, rushing up the stairs with a speed that would have been impressive for anyone, let alone an amputee.  
He then ran to his room and jerked the handle, but the door was locked.  
Hiccup felt his heart turn into ice. The door was locked from the inside and he didn't have a spare key.

"MOM!" he screamed again, hitting the door with the side of his fist. Upon hearing her son's voice, Valka remained silent for a moment, and then tried to say something, but she tripped over her own words and soon, she began weeping again, trying to say something, but Hiccup couldn't make out what it was.  
She still didn't open the door.  
At that point, upon trying to get up while sobbing her heart out, Valka tripped over a stool and fell over, causing quite a racket. Hiccup mistook this for sounds of a struggle.  
Without thinking, Hiccup drew Inferno, clicked it and watched as fire overlapped the blade. He then propped himself on his good foot and kicked the lock with his prosthesis.  
The wood near the lock splintered and the door was slightly bent, but it still didn't open. Hiccup was panicking, every second that passed could have been his mother's last as she was clearly struggling against… someone. Maybe Drago had survived and sent an assassin after him but found Valka first. Maybe it was Drago himself…  
With that thought, Hiccup lunged his entire body shoulder first into the door. He wasn't heavy, not by a long shot, but his 130 pounds were more than enough to break the weakened door down.

His mother was curled up in a ball on the floor near the desk and it was clear that she had cried heavily. Hiccup wanted to check on his mother first, but he knew that if someone else was in the room, he had to take care of that first.  
But… no one else was in the room.

Hiccup looked in the closet, under the bed with Inferno in his hand, but no one else was here. The window was intact, still locked. No one had entered the room. After calming down, Hiccup clicked his sword shut and sheathed it and then went to his mother to check if she was hurt.

"Mom, are you hur-…" he began, trying to help her up. To his surprise, his mother jerked away and began mumbling something that he couldn't make out if he tried to.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry… I don't deserve you…" was all that Hiccup could make out. What was she talking about?

"Mom, what are you-" he stopped when he saw his journal on the floor. His heart froze.

"Oh, no…" he said to no one in particular as he thought of a way to calm his mother after she saw all of that…

"Mom… look, I…" he said, unsure how to get her out of that stance after she saw… actually, he didn't know what entries she read. She could have only read one, maybe two entries at a stretch before breaking down completely.

He just hoped it wasn't one of the more terrible chapters, like when he tried to kill himself after when getting beaten up by Snotlout (again) and when he came back home beaten, his father had called him "The Shame of Berk", saying that a true Viking fights back no matter what. He felt so worthless after that, that if it hadn't been for Gobber to comfort him, he'd probably be dead today.

Or all the times he went to the forge early just to avoid getting bullied, all the times he was beaten, all the times he thought that he was useless, all the times he wished he had died instead of his mother during that fateful dragon raid…

"I'm… I'm so sorry…" she said, finally forming a coherent sentence.

"Sorry won't take back what I did… all the things I didn't give you… and instead I gave them to… to _dragons_!" She yelled, getting up and propping both her hands on the wall and cocking her head backwards. Hiccup realized what she wanted to do. He rushed to her and caught her by the hands and pulled her back just before she slammed her head against the wall.

"Mom!" he said shocked.

He decided to simply lower the both of them to the ground, and hold her tightly. She stiffened at first, trying to get away, but he held her tighter and she eventually succumbed to his embrace and began sobbing into his shoulder.

Hiccup did nothing but hold her gently as he rubbed circles on her shaking, heaving back and gently rocked her, simply because he didn't know what else to do. What do you say to a mother who missed twenty years of her son's life? What do you say to a woman who lost her husband merely days after she saw him again after two decades? What do you say to someone who leaves a village because she thought it incapable of peace, only to find that it was actually capable of _living_ with dragons? What do you say to someone so traumatized and with so much self-hate?

"You mourned me so much… and I was alive!" she said as she sunk her head in his slender shoulder even further, nearly flooring him. He took the time to process what she just said: she said that he only mourned her: if she had read some of the more terrible entries, she'd have mentioned how he was bullied or how he thought that he was useless. Now there was a better chance that he could properly comfort her.

"Mom, look at me." He said, gently grabbing her chin and making her stare in his emerald green eyes which mirrored her own. Though she initially looked away, she eventually returned him the stare, albeit, with red, puffy, bloodshot eyes.

"You couldn't return while we were at war. If they saw a dragon during the day, which was rare, but I saw it myself a couple of times, they shot them down and then hacked them to death if they dared to come during the day. And if the dragons had a rider, I'm sure they'd have suffered the same fate." He began, brushing her hair in an effort to comfort her. It seemed to work, as her sobbing stopped, but her crying didn't.

"But…, you made peace… what if I had just tried to make peace? What if as soon as I learned to fly Cloudjumper, I'd have returned, and yes, they would have shot us down, but what if I yelled before they approached us? What if I then showed them what dragons truly were? Then, fifteen more years of slaughter would have been prevented… on both sides! All the men, women, children and dragons who died during the raids are my fault!" she yelled, beginning to weep even harder than before.

"That's not true, mom." He said firmly, yet softly, squeezing her tighter to his chest.

"But of course it is!" she yelled again, sobbing even harder.

"No, it's not. Want to know how I made peace?" he asked, making her look up at him with an almost frightened look.

Without a word, Hiccup took the diary from the floor and flipped it to the "final exam", when he was supposed to kill a Monstrous Nightmare, but Toothless had come to his rescue.  
He read her how even while taming the Nightmare, his father wouldn't have it, and in his anger, he caused the dragon to attack Hiccup.

And even after Toothless had saved Hiccup, Stoick captured the Night Fury and as Hiccup was begging his father to accept the fact that dragons are not dangerous, his father heard of the nest where the dreadful Red Death resided. It was a sort of Alpha species, only that it wasn't concerned with getting dragons to safety or building sanctuaries. No, this one was only concerned with using its powers to force dragons to feed her.  
And if they ever failed to bring their daily haul, the beast would devour her own kin. And as soon as he heard of the nest, Stoick readied his fleet to attack it, but not before saying that Hiccup wasn't his son and disowning him.

Hiccup had to hold his mother tightly and kiss the top of her head in order for her not to begin weeping once again as she heard what Hiccup had been through.

And once they attacked the nest, the Red Death came out, killing Vikings in the dozens. They only survived because Hiccup and the teens took all of the trapped dragons which Berk kept for training and set them against the Red Death.

Only after their lives were saved by dragons did they accept them. Hiccup talking didn't change their minds. They didn't even change their minds after they saw the Monstrous Nightmare calming and looking at Hiccup with curiosity rather than murder, they didn't even change their minds after they saw a dragon attacking another dragon in order to save Hiccup.  
After all, what was a Viking if not a stubborn oaf?

Hiccup had managed to kill the Red Death, this sort of evil Alpha, by ingeniously realizing that if the dragon's blast was lit before it was ejected from the mouth, then it would cause a chain reaction on the inside, practically burning the gigantic dragon alive.

"And that's how I also lost my leg." Said Hiccup.

"How come?" asked Valka, finally out of her sobby, panicked stance. Hiccup sighed and shuddered as he remembered waking up and finding that he only had one leg left. He remembered Toothless nosing it with guilt. He remembered the time it took him to get used to it, the phantom pains, the nightmares…

"After Toothless blew up the Red Death, the explosion snapped the cables which held me to him. I fell off, but he caught me… by the leg with his teeth." He said, trying his best not to shiver as he recalled… everything.  
Valka once again was hunched within herself and was trying her best not to break down weeping once again.

"-And where was I? While you were almost dying, freeing your people from a war and defeating an evil dragon queen, where was I? I'm a-

-Mom, not this again, please. How could you have known? You had to remain there and protect the dragons. Hel, not just the dragons, but also humans. Tell me, how many more villages would have been burned down by Drago Bludvist if you hadn't stood up to him?  
How many dragon nests pilfered?  
How many people and dragons butchered?  
If the dragons hadn't had a human mind to lead them, Drago would have attacked the Sanctuary _way_ before he did." Hiccup said all this stroking his mother's hair and then hugging her closer to his chest.

"-And what if you had returned while we were at war, hmm? Say they only caught you and Cloud with a bola and then Father would have talked to you. He'd have been so angry with you that he wouldn't have even listened to a word you said.

-He loved me, Hiccup, he'd have listened." She said, her voice breaking ever so slightly as she said that her husband loved her.

He did. And he was gone… Gone forever…

"He loved me too. And he didn't listen. And while I was desperately trying to convince him, I mentioned the nest, and next thing you know, he attacked it. What if it had been you in my place and you mentioned the Sanctuary? He'd have attacked the Sanctuary." Hiccup finished. He didn't need to say anything else.

Valka winced and shivered as she imagined Stoick assaulting the Sanctuary and then all of Berk's fleet getting frozen by the Alpha…

"And by stopping Drago from gathering too many dragons, you prevented him from becoming so powerful that he could have attacked Berk any time he chose. You did your duty as a mother.  
You protected me.  
And now you are here, also giving me the affection I needed after so long. Thank you... mother." He said, hugging her to his chest, feeling tears sting his own eyes as his own heartfelt words made their way to his mother.

They stood like that for a long time, this time, without either of them crying, just mother and son enjoying each other's love.  
There was something in Valka's slender, steady hands which Hiccup didn't really understand that just made him feel… safe.  
It was a mother's embrace, something which he didn't experience for twenty years.

Motherly love. And he was grateful that he had it now. She would see him marry Astrid, she already saw him become Chief of Berk, she would see him have children, and she would enjoy having grandchildren, they would spend the rest of their lives as mother and son… After a while, Hiccup realized that it was well past midnight and that both of them ought to get to sleep.

"Alright, mom, we should-" he stopped when he realized just how slack she was in his arms. She was asleep.

Hiccup smiled as he saw that she had a half smile on her face. She hadn't cried herself to sleep that night.  
That night, she remembered that she saved countless dragons and people from the clutches of Drago Bludvist.  
She remembered that her son loved her.  
She remembered that Hiccup will always love her unconditionally.  
And most importantly, she remembered that she was a loving mother, and at that moment, nothing else in the world mattered.

Hiccup got up from the floor, ignoring the pain in his back caused by sitting on the planks and he gently picked up his mother with his hands beneath her knees and her limp, sleeping head resting on his arm.  
She wasn't heavy, she was even lighter than he was, but the fact that she was so tall and that she was laying slack in his arms made carrying her quite the challenge.  
Nevertheless, Hiccup took her to her room, placed her on the bed and covering her with the blanket. He smiled as he thought that she did the same thing to him when he was a babe. He whispered "goodnight" to her and set off for his room.

Though he wasn't sure, he could have sworn that his mother woke up and sighed her own goodnight to her son. As soon as he entered the room, however, something seemed wrong, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. Just what was bothering him?  
He got his answer when he looked down on the floor. The journal. His mother would try to read it again, for sure.

He couldn't have her find out about all the times he was tormented as a child, all the times Gobber prevented him from sinking into depression and even thoughts of killing himself, all the time his father had called him a shame to Berk and the Haddock name…

The choice was clear to Hiccup, yet impossible to make. Those were his memories, happy and sad, everything he ever did was in that book.

But… his mother had sacrificed so much in the short time that she was with him. It was about time he sacrificed something too.

He took the book and went to his own personal forge which was adjacent to the house. He put a few coals in the forge and warmed them up until there was a fire large enough that it could have burned the book to ashes, yet small enough that it could have died down on its own.

Hiccup once again looked at the book. He remembered how he had first started writing when he was only six, how every day he poured innermost thoughts and emotions onto that piece of parchment. This and drawing made up for the fact that he didn't have any friends during his childhood.  
He looked through it one last time, on every drawing he made alongside each entry. He reread the entry which he wrote while he was in the Sanctuary, when he met his mother.

He described the hurricane of emotions which he felt when he found out that he actually had a mother, when he found out that he and his mother shared the same gift of seeing dragons the way no one else did, the gift which bonded them as mother and son, the flight they shared…

There were also drawings of each new dragon species he saw there, the drawing of the great Bewilderbeast, the Sanctuary seen from the air…

As he flipped through the pages, he stopped suddenly and flipped one page back. He breathed heavily and tears stung his eyes. It the entry in which he wrote about his father's death…  
That was enough. He wouldn't think about that again.

Now, he knew what he had to do. Carefully, he selected the entry and the drawings he made when he met his mother, and every entry in which he described spending time with Toothless before they had made peace, ripped them out and folded them into his pocket.

He would keep those memories forever, no matter what.

Then, he took one last glance at the journal which had been his companion for all his life and threw it in the forge, watching as the flames greedily devoured his only memories…


End file.
